Buffalo Phil Presents The Fresh Meat Edition Of Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Well howdy folks. It's been a while since I was able to review a movie for you, but I'm back and ready to let you know about a great movie and its remake. Now I will start with the warning that I am very new to the horror genre. With that in mind, please remember that this is just an opinion and, according to me, the only one that matters.

We start with the 2003 remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and all the glory that it is. I know that it has been the opinion of myself and others that New Line Cinema has destroyed great movies by remaking them. But this is not the case when it comes to revitalizing Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The acting was great and it kept me very entertained. There were some very awesome scenes and great effects. I didn't notice many CG effects where practical effects would have been better, if any at all. This was an all star cast in my opinion, lead by Jessica Beil as our heroine and R. Lee Ermy as one of our antagonists. Both were awesome and are pretty well known among other great flicks that aren’t even in the horror genre. The great work of Leatherface, portrayed by Andrew Bryniarski who literally scared the shit outta me (seriously I think I pooped a little). There wasn't really anything that I didn't like about this movie. Great plot, lots of blood (but they didn't over do it), and nice beautiful women. All in all, I recommend this movie be added to any movie library. 5 of 5 bottles of lotion for one of the best big Hollywood movies that I have ever seen.

Now on to the original, 1974 Dark Sky production of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Let's start by saying that I just wish that I was alive when this came out. This movie was just as great as the remake, and better in some places in my opinion. It stars the gorgeous Marilyn Burns as our heroine. Yes, I have a thing for blondes (sorry Ms. Beil I still think you are gorgeous too). Edwin Neal and Jim Siedow played two of our antagonists and WOW!!! These two guys played the creepy guys very well. But of course the real star of these movies is Leatherface, and Gunnar Hansen did just as great in this role as his successor 29 years later. While this movie left a lot of the gory bloody scenes to the viewers imagination, it seemed a lot more bloody than it actually was. From beginning to ending I was on the edge of my seat. This movie is held in high regards as the film that changed horror forever, and it deserves the title. Tobe Hooper and Kim Henkel brought us a bloody and gory tale that will forever remain as one of the greatest horror flicks ever. 5.5 out of 5 bottles of lotion the extra .5 bottle for the main character being a hot ass blonde.

So to sum this up, both are great and wonderful. If you haven’t seen these films they are a must. The remake is bloodier and quicker to get started, but the original does develop characters and allow you to use your imagination. Blonde versus brunette, eh take your pick. Total score for this franchise is 10.5 out of 10. Till next time, keep moisturizing that skin... I might need to use it in the future.

Ted Bundy - Buffalo Phil's Fresh Meat Edition

Okay, where to start?? This movie was a complete waste of time. I really want the 95 minutes of my life back that it stole from me. I understand that serial killers are scary people; I also understand that Ted Bundy was probably one of the worst among them. But seriously, making a movie that to me was kind of like saying that it was okay for what he did because he had a hard childhood, or that his first love said he had a small dick. This is the bullshit that I can't stand in life. I know that it was very accurate on how Bundy acted while he was in jail, constantly professing that it was society that made him the way he was, but it still felt like someone was trying to make a hero out of a psycho. First of all, it's not okay to murder people. This is just being a decent human being. No matter what someone's definition of murder is, it's just not acceptable. So that’s my rant on the story aspect of this movie.

My next gripe is the length of the scenes. Some of them were all right, but it was very obvious that some of them were extended to add time to the movie. I don’t mind a long scene, but I don’t need the main character walking back and forth or rubbing his eyes in torment for 5 freaking minutes before you fade to the next one. I don’t want to see the only semi-cute chick sit at a table for 10 minutes waiting on him to return from the restroom before she realizes that he isn’t coming back from the bathroom. And I'm gonna stop there on the time before I spoil anymore of it for those of you that might want to cure insomnia. Yes, I had to watch this in two sittings: one because I fell the hell asleep, and two because I wanted to go to sleep.

I do have one compliment for this movie. Oh yes, there was a diamond in the rough of this one. Mr. Kane Hodder played the infamous Theodore Robert Bundy. I have only seen this man in the hockey mask he wore in Jason X and Freddy vs. Jason (Yes, those are the only two I have seen, but I'm working on it so stop judging).  First of all, he isn’t really as big as I thought. Second of all, he is a great actor. Sometimes you get really surprised at the fact that, just because someone can throw a machete and cut a running blonde in half from 30 yards away. Then he gets a movie where he actually has to talk. Holy shit he really can act! I feel cheated that Jason Voorhees didn’t have any lines.

So to wrap it up, don’t waste your time. Unless you are a huge Ted Bundy fan, and you would have to be a big one. Or if you just want to see Kane actually speak. The Buffalo isn’t wasting any bottles of lotion on this one. Save yourself and run from this as fast as you can.

Till next time, Keep moisturizing that skin ;-)