Crawl or Die

From the Mind of a Monster


Monster Presents: Buffalo Phil's First Review!

Hey kids! Just a little intro before I let Buffalo Phil hop on here and do his first film review. Since he's our resident Horror Virgin, I decided he needed to watch something nasty and hard core as his first review. So after a long day in Hell I dragged him to the cave and made him watch a few of some pretty rough films. First was Cradle of Fear, after was the 2006 remake of The Hills Have Eyes. His funtabulous review...


The Hills Have Eyes: Buffalo's Fresh Meat Edition
  Ok so this is my first article on my first view of Alexandre Aja's, The Hills Have Eyes.  Being new to the facination of the horror genre, I was really impressed with this movie.  The opening credits and opening scene were an awesome way to get a history buff like myself interested real quick. It almost made up for the next 35 minutes of watching a dysfunctional family that just happens to be victim of the story introduction.  Not having the horror upbringing of the rest of Fearcast, I kept trying to see the sterotypical mistakes that these victims were making, but after taking a step back I realized I probably would have made the same choices that they made.  The effects were great and were mostly real looking.  The only bitch that I have about the effects was the fact that only one of the CG additions actually looked like it could be a deformity of nuclear fallout.  
  Yes, before you ask, the Buffalo did jump... twice... at some of the scenes in this film.  I was a little frightened at the story.  To make a great story line it has to be believeable.  There is nothing more believeable in a story than to use historical times and facts.  Using the fact that the U.S. Government conducted nuclear tests and the fact that they took land from a mining community, made this extremely believeable.  Unlike some horror movies that use villans that are either unproven or extremely mythical, movies that use factual and even modern historical facts are fun to watch.  All in all this film was very entertaining and very well put together (minus the CG foul up).   Not being able to compare to the original (cause I havent seen it yet... yes I fail as a human), I would love to see what it was like through Wes Craven's eyes.  The Buffalo gives 4 out of 5 bottles of lotion, and I am looking forward to watching the sequal (crossing fingers).
Till next time remember the lotion...or I'll hose you...again


Monster here again. Not too shabby right? Let's all welcome Buffao Phil to the coven...and welcome him to our Nightmares!

 - Monster



Monster Presents: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

Uh oh... does the title up there say what I think it says? Hell yes it does. I want to start off by saying, please don't judge this film based on what it says on the back of the DVD case or what the Moms Who Hate Stuff has to say. Yes this film is disturbing. It's definitely not the big scary Boogey Man of a film it's portrayed as. Negativity sells movies. And music. And games...oh and books...ahhh hell you get where I'm going with that. On to the synopsis. This movie starts like most horror films. Two young, sexy girls get stranded on the side of a road in Germany with a flat tire in the rain. They decide, instead of getting off their intelligent asses and changing the tire themselves, to get off their dumb asses and walk to some random person's house in the middle of a foreign country to ask for help. Yay brains! So they go to Dr. Heiter's house. Little do they know that the nice, sweet Doctor used to separate Conjoined Twins for a living. I guess that's a big problem in Germany that they have to have a Doctor that just does that. Anyway. What they also don't know is that this particular Doctor is obsessed with doing the opposite of separating Conjoined Twins...he want's to make them! Ahh Rohypnol. Candy for those who want to make things from other things in a bad way. Our heroines wake up in the basement of Herr Doktor, all tied up and nowhere to go next to what looks like a crazy redneck guy. Although it looks like Mr. Red Neck (that's German... really it is...) is not very fitting for what's to come next. So bye bye. Out with the old, in with the new as they say (who the hell are they?!!). The girls wake up again this time to a guy screaming in Japanese. Thankfully The Good Doc has some more knock out juice and makes the guy shut up. When the new guy wakes up the Doctor shows a lovely slide show, detailing the upcoming "surgery". I'll stop here at the point of the big ATM scene. Ask your Mom what ATM REALLY means. You'll thank me later. I believe this is a great classic horror film. You really have all the basics of an old school medical slasher flick. The Dentist, Dr. Giggles, Re-Animator. Come on! Ok so not quite like those. I'm stretching here! I really do think this is a great film. Great writing and directing all around. The special effects, though minimal, were very well done. I have to applaud the actor and actresses who played The Human Centipede. That would have been an extremely hard role to play, and they pulled it off brilliantly. As with most of the films I review, they aren't for everyone. Not even the most die hard horror fan can like them all. I do suggest you all give this one a try.


I give this one a squirmy 4 out of 5 Fuzzies

 - Monster


Monster Presents: A Serbian Film

And a fond halloo to you all! I bring another... fine... film to you this time. I lie. I bring you one of the most disturbing pieces of film I've ever seen. Holy shit. I was told that this film will scar me for life. I don't think it did, but it seriously made me feel quite ill. I'll give you the synopsis from IMDB. "An aging porn star agrees to participate in an "art film" in order to make a clean break from the business, only to discover that he has been drafted into making a pedophilia and necrophilia themed snuff film." Now you would think any sane person in this world would read that and think, "Piss on that, I'll go rent Tinker Bell In Space instead." Well... I'm not the sanest person in the world. So I obtain an uncut copy of this lovely piece of work. This movie was filmed in Belgrade, Serbia. It's all spoken in Serbian, with a few English words sprinkled in. Even with the subtitles, I really couldn't look away from the "action". It's like watching a train wreck. A really bad train wreck. Ok. So I've seen a lot of what is referred to a Torture Porn or maybe even Snuff films. Hostel, The Human Centepede, Captivity, to the extremes of Cannibal Holocaust, Cradle Of Fear, and Faces of Death to name a few. None of them gave me the feeling that if I died right now, I would land myself in the furthest depths of Hell for watching it like this one did. It's been a part of many Horror and Art film festivals around the globe, and has done well in a lot of them. This is something I can touch on in a positive way. The direction and filming is absolutely amazing. If it's winning awards for this then kudos. As messed up as the scenes were, the special effects are amazing and top notch. Mostly practical effects too. The little bit of CGI was actually done well and realistically. I really don't want to describe any of the "snuff" scenes at all in this article. Read the IMDB quote above again. This film crossed lines I would never have dreamed could have been crossed in even an underground cult film. I give the writer and director huge props for having the testicular fortitude to make this. Will I ever watch it again? Maybe. Will I feel bad about it after? Probably not. Should I? Definitely. Watch it if you're curious, but I will warn you....not for the faint of soul.


I give this one a disturbed 3 out of 5 Fuzzies

 - Monster


Monster Presents: Saw 3D Soundtrack

Wow kiddos! It's been awhile! This round we get a look at something I don't do often but enjoy doing at the same time: I'm reviewing a CD. I was happy to receive a pre-release copy of the Saw 3D soundtrack! The way I see it is, a good horror movie needs a good soundtrack. Krueger, Voorhees, Myers, all had their sound. Jigsaw has his sound...and it's pure fucking metal! Now if you know me, you know I'll argue tooth and claw that I love the Saw films. The soundtracks are no exception. I have all of them on my iPod and listen to them regularly. I have my favorites amongst them, VI being my favorite. 3D is definitely up there. Here we have a great mix including everything from old school metal to new style. Industrial to Gothic Dance. All of it bangs and is amazing. Bands include Saving Abel, Hinder, Saliva, Krokus, Nitzer Ebb, and Dir En Grey. 16 tracks in total, as a great mix. 3 of the tracks are previously unreleased on any other album! Listening to this you will see a lot of influence by the film franchise. In the linear notes, there is an amazing Saw 3D poster, and on the track listing on the other side it has the web sites to all of the participating bands, so if you like what you hear, check them out!! I'm highly anticipating seeing the film and hopefully writing a full Saw franchise retrospective. I want to send a very special thank you to Dana of Independent Music Media for sharing this killer soundtrack with me. Keep rockin' out!

I give this soundtrack 5 out of 5 Fuzzies

 - Monster



Monster Presents: Otto; or, Up With Dead People

Guten Tag, FearCast Fans! I bring you an interesting one this time around: Otto; or, Up With Dead People. This came as an assignment by our fearless leader, Clyde! First thing I can say about this movie is..."Ummmm what?" I usually watch a film a couple times before I review it so I can get an idea as to what the hell I'm talking about... no thanks.

Don't get me wrong, this was a pretty damn good movie, but I have to say I found a couple of scenes that I wasn't ready for. Let me explain. Clyde said, "Give it a watch, it's about a gay zombie!". I'm thinking, "OK this could be funny!", as I took the jovial tone to mean that. In all actuality, it's quite serious. What he didn't warn me about (and I'm doing so for you all now) is the 10 minute full-on 8 man zombie butt sex scene that showed EVERYTHING and was extremely out of place. OK, so the zombies are gay. That's fine. I was totally unprepared!

Otherwise the story was actually quite brilliant. Now keep in mind I only watched it once, so I may get some of this wrong. From what I gathered it is an analogy about gay rights, and that gay people are treated the same as the undead in all our favorite zombie films - tossed aside and in many cases killed for simply who they are. At least this is what I gathered from it. This is a strong message on how we as humans can't pull out heads out of our asses and respect another humans just for the color of skin, style of clothes, what they worship, or what side of the coin they happen too fall for and make love to. To those people... Fuck you. Let people just exist and stay the hell to yourself. Sorry. This film kinda brought out the human rights guy.

Back to the movie. As the movie starts we see a freshly buried Otto rise from a grave simply marked with his name. He wanders around narrating himself as a freshly risen zombie and the trials of trying to figure out why he exists. The picture changes to a woman who is describing a film she is making about zombies who are also gay. Cut to a man walking down the street looking as if he's on a mission. He stops to take some pills, and spills them on the street. Cut to him getting to his home and discovering his lover dead via gunshot wound to the head. At this point I stop. That's a pretty good set up for what ensues. I will tell you there is a lot of male full-frontal nudity. In the context of the film it is OK. If the pointless orgy was removed I would give this a higher score. I can't recommend this to everyone. I believe the story is quite powerful in its message, but sadly not everyone will get it. If I offend anyone for this review... well, I don't care. People are people. I will probably not watch this movie again, but if you have an open mind, give it a watch, it will open your eyes. Or maybe I'm looking too deep into it? That's up to you. I thank Clyde for recommending it. Now please excuse me while I watch my next movie to review...Suicide Girls Must Die! I need some nekkid ladies right about now!!


I give this one 3 out of 5 Fuzzies

 - Monster

"There are several bodies here. We'll pry them apart later."